Relationship is arguably the most important task we have in life. How we relate to each other, how we give and receive love, and the quality of that love impacts every area in our lives. The skills and knowledge we bring into our relationships determine our ability to connect, to heal, to thrive, to develop self-esteem and to contribute to the well-being of those around us. When two people enter into a relationship they are faced with the choice of living out the relationship unconsciously (and often re-wounding each other) or making a conscious and intentional choice to contribute to the healing of each other and to growing the relationship. If you are interested in experiencing a conscious, loving relationship, the steps that follow are for you.
This article resulted from a visit to a doctor’s office when a staff member discovered I was a marriage and family therapist. This piqued her interest and she promptly inquired, “What is the secret of a good relationship? Do you have any tips?” After 40 years in the business of helping couples heal and grow in their relationships, I responded, “Yes, I do.”
As I started to enumerate some of what I had learned personally and professionally over the years, the staff member said, “Wait, wait. I want to write all this down.” As she was carefully recording my comments, the wonderful doctor in charge glanced in through the door in search of his valuable employee. The staff member met the doctor’s gaze and realized that she was lingering a little too long. She was needed elsewhere. Given how busy the office was, our conversation had to remain unfinished. I was inspired to go home and write down my thoughts.
Subsequently, this article was born. Based on years of professional and personal experience as well as current research, here are 12 steps to use as guides. If two people are open to grow and willing to plant their feet and do their work, these steps will assist them in creating the relationship of their dreams.
1)EMOTIONAL SAFETY
First and foremost, diligently focus on creating an emotionally safe environment for the relationship to grow. Emotional safety enables you to truly be your authentic self and to show up in a relationship. Otherwise you live, for the most part, in a survival mode, never free to be yourself. What I have observed is that when a partner feels emotionally safe, the best version of that person shows up. When the safety isn’t there, this caring, loving person can quickly turn into the “wicked witch of the west” or an “angry ogre.” In addition, emotional safety has a profound impact on our nervous systems which in turn contributes to our over-all health and wellness. Providing and maintaining an emotionally safe environment is so important for optimal wellness that the renowned neurologist, Dr. Stephen Porges, states that emotional safety is “our biological imperative.” Emotional safety is not optional. It is a necessity! The tips that follow all contribute to increasing emotional safety in a relationship.
2) SELF– LOVE
Developing a healthy self-love is critical for two reasons. First, it is well-known that our capacity to love others and for others to love us is directly related to our capacity to love ourselves. Secondly, when an individual is filled with self-loathing, shame, feelings of anger, self-rejection, toxic self-criticism, feeling not good enough, these negative feelings get projected onto the partner, and the partner is held responsible for the way the projector feels. When we blame our partners for the way we feel, we often criticize and attack them until we unconsciously get them to respond to us the way we are feeling about ourselves. In the wise words of the poet Rumi, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you have built up against it.”
3) DELETE NEGATIVITY
When requesting something of your partner, eliminate all negativity in the sent message to assure you are maintaining connection. For example, negativity or ‘wrongness’ is implied when you say, “You never think to take out the garbage.” Such a message communicates to the partner that he or she is “deficient” and “not good enough” and may trigger feelings of shame. On the other hand, the partner may feel encouraged hearing the message, “Something I really appreciate, is when you remember to take out the garbage. It makes my day!” Criticism and critical judgments can be toxic to a relationship. Criticism is often used to control, or let the partner know how “right” you are and how “wrong” the partner is. Learn the skill of giving feedback without criticizing, demeaning or judging the other person. Notice how quickly transformation takes place in relationship when you adopt the message of Jon Kabat-Zen, “Write yourself a restraining order against self-criticism and criticism of others.” Supporting this concept, relationship experts, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, maintain that zero negativity is required for optimal wellness in a relationship.
The wisdom teachers tell us, “Your tormentors are your teachers.” A leap in personal growth takes place when we realize the people who annoy us most are just pointing an arrow to where we most need to grow.
4) GRATITUDE/APPRECIATION
Research shows that expressing gratitude and appreciation is one of the fastest ways to transform a relationship and bring it to a new level. Express appreciation and gratitude every day to your loved ones and those who are significant in your life. Make it a habit and watch the energy change in the relationship. Not only does it stimulate positive chemicals in the brain of the receiver but also in the brain of the giver. Gratitude, according Brother David Steindl-Rast, “…can change the world immensely. If you are grateful, you are not fearful, if you are not fearful, you are not violent, and you act out of a sense of enough…and are willing to share.”
5) CHOOSE YOUR WORDS AND TONE OF VOICE
The words you use and the tone of your voice are some of the most powerful connectors on the planet, but they’re also powerful disconnectors. Your words, as well as your tone of voice, have the power to foster connection, inspire, encourage, uplift and validate. They can also extinguish a mountain of joy, destroy through toxic criticism, diminish hope, and leave others feeling shamed, blamed, and not good enough. Your words have the power to breathe life into someone or take someone’s light away. Transformation occurs when each partner takes responsibility for the energy put into the relationship space.
6) DIALOGUE
Communication can make or break a relationship. Problems in communicating is a core issue in every struggling relationship. Taking time to develop good communication skills is necessary for journeying on the path to a quality relationship. Three communication skills that foster connection within a relationship are mirroring, validation and empathy. These skills enable us to speak without blame and listen without judgment. Paul Tillich tells us the first duty of love is to listen. For example: your partner says, “I want to take off for a long vacation.” Imagine if the response to your partner sounded like this, “Just forget it. We don’t have that kind of money.” This dampens the partner’s desires and the partner feels unheard, devalued and discounted.
A more affirming and connecting way to respond is to replace judgement with curiosity and use mirroring, validation and empathy. To MIRROR (reflecting back): you might say, “So you have a desire to travel and take a long vacation. Tell me about that.” To VALIDATE: (Validation doesn’t mean you agree, but that you understand why the person thinks and feels the way they do, given their circumstances.). You could say, “It makes sense that you would like a vacation.” To EMPATHIZE (acknowledging the feelings): you could say “When you think of taking a vacation like that, I image you get excited and feel energized. Did I get that right?” For further information on communication skills, see: SafeConversations.com. For further demonstrations and explanation on how to use this skill go to YouTube and search for “The Heart of Dialogue” featuring Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. There are plans to follow up this video with an interactive AI version to teach effective dialogue.
7) BOUNDARIES
Good boundaries are important for any relationship. To help you understand boundaries, imagine you and your partner each standing in a hula hoop. Each of you is an authority in your own respective space. Problems occur when either one of you acts like an authority in the space of the other. This is considered a boundary violation. Intrusion occurs on the space of the other with statements like: “You need to change your hair style.” “You won’t be able to do that.” “You need to tell your boss…” “I want you to get a new job.” “You never like what I do.” To avoid boundary violations, offer suggestions tentatively and ask for feedback. “How would you feel about that?”
8) OWNERSHIP OF FEELINGS
Whenever conflict is going on in a relationship, you can expect to see one person “projecting” their feelings and the other person “personalizing” them. In the Projecting-Personalizing Dance, the Projectors do not take ownership for their feelings , and Personalizers take on feelings that don’t belong to them. If this pattern is not changed, it is a frequent destroyer of potentially good relationships. The Projector often resorts to anger, aggression, and a need to be right. When this happens, the feelings that come up in the projector’s “well” are not owned, rather they are “missiled” over to the partner. Projected remarks sound like, “You made me feel unimportant.” “You make me so angry.” “I had that accident because of you.”
In reality, all the sender can ever do is trigger, or bring up, the feelings that are already in the partner’s “well.” The sender does not cause them. The feelings such as unimportance, shame, guilt, inferiority or rejection have to already be present in the receiver’s (personalizer’s) “well” otherwise these feelings would never come up. Think of a bullet without powder in it. No matter how often you pull the trigger, the bullet will not fire if it does not have powder.
To break the habit of projection in relationship, it is very helpful to start conversations with, “I know these feelings are more about me than you, but it would really help me if I could process them with you.” Notice the different response you get from your partner when you take ownership for your feelings. The person you are conversing with will relax and listen because they know you are not going to dump what is yours onto them.
The Personalizer, on the other hand, often feels hurt or rejected, demeaned or not good enough. This happens because Personalizers take the feelings or comments projected on to them, and make the remarks say something about them which they do not. Oftentimes, relationship boundaries were never modeled or taught to Personalizers (or Projectors), consequently the feelings of pain, hurt and rejection are frequent companions. In healthy functioning relationships, it is understood that feelings always say more about the person having the feeling. Personalizers take in what is not theirs to own.
Personalizing is often present when a partner says. “If my spouse loved me, they wouldn’t say that.” Or “If my spouse loved me, they wouldn’t do that.” But frequently, this is not the case. The unacceptable words or behaviors are more often due to past conditioned patterns of communicating, lack of self-love and unconscious behavior. These patterns do not necessarily connote a lack of love for the partner. More likely, it indicates a lack of self-love or the presence of self-loathing in the sender.
Remember, you do not need a perfect partner, only a partner open to growth. The task of a conscious relationship is to assist each other to grow and heal from the unmet needs of childhood that each of us brings into our relationships. These unmet needs stem from either neglect or intrusion during childhood. The child experienced caretakers as either not available, not there, or there too much, over-controlling, or over-bonding. As a result we are constantly striving to get these unmet needs met. Healing and growth of the partner take place when we provide a listening presence with compassion and we use positive language to ask for what we need and respect the feedback given. This creates an emotional safe environment necessary to heal unmet needs of childhood. The exchange goes much better when we begin the dialogue with the sentence referenced above, “I know these feelings are more about me than you…” Then, let your partner know what words or behavior you would appreciate that would help you feel more emotionally safe.
Some years ago, I encountered a young woman who was feeling hurt and was in deep pain because she discovered that her husband had been acting out his sexual addiction for years. Subsequently, she spent a few weeks at a well-known treatment center to help her cope. When I met her again, some months later, she looked very different and was happy and feeling good about herself. When I inquired about the transformation, her response was that she had developed a new awareness, namely, that his behaviors were not about her, and they did not reflect who she was as a person. Once she stopped personalizing his “stuff,” she became her beautiful self once again.
9) LAUGHTER
Well-functioning relationships are joyous, fun-filled and light. Laughter relaxes your whole body, boosts your immune system, triggers the release of endorphins, protects your heart, diffuses conflict and attracts others to you and much more. In your relationship, try to consciously engage in behaviors that increase humor and laughter. Play a game of Scattergories, share some jokes from online, tap into a laughing yoga class, watch a funny movie, or just stand and face each other and have a good belly laugh. This will ensure some lightness in the relationship.
10) BE INTENTIONAL
The brilliant cell biologist, Dr. Bruce Lipton, teaches us how powerful thoughts are and that our perceptions create our reality. So what we think and what we feel may either improve the immune system or diminishing it. It is well known that all chronic diseases begin with inflammation. If you want to foster optimal wellness don’t inflame yourself. This renowned researcher encourages us to be much more conscious of what we put into our bodies and the impact this has on our health and relationships. When you worry, you are energizing what you don’t want in your life. Consciously energizing and being intentional about what you do want in your life and in your relationship make a profound difference in the outcome. For a deeper understanding of the power of intentions, thoughts and beliefs, listen to Dr Lipton’s life-changing talk on YouTube, “What You Think You Become.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiBDm7Za-2U or read his book, “Beyond Belief.” Create your own story. Choose love over fear.
11) FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is never about condoning the words, actions or behaviors of the oppressor, abuser or offender. Forgiveness is about activating your internal power. It is about taking back the power another has tried to take from you and nurturing a healthy self-love. Love is your essence. If you awaken this aspect of yourself, no one can take it from you. Forgiveness is about making a firm determination not to carry the “stuff” of the oppressor, abuser or offender in your body. You rid your cells of any shame, guilt, self-rejection or displaced anger that may have been projected on to you. It doesn’t belong to you. The goal is to be your authentic self, releasing from your body all negative debris that could damage your health. When Nelson Mandela was asked if he hated those who made him a prisoner for 26 of the best years of his life, his response was, “…if you hate them…you will still be their prisoner. I wanted to be free, so I let go.” Forgiveness sets me free.
12) MEDITATION
Meditation has become more popular in all walks of life and is universally recommended. The practice of meditation has been associated with such names as Oprah, Hug Jackson, Paul McCarthy, the investor Ray Dalio, the cardiologist and researcher Dr. Issac Eliaz, and so many others. Some of the busiest people like Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Deepak Chopra make it a priority to start their days with two hours of meditation. One of the best ways to create more peace, joy and harmony in a relationship is to engage in the practice of meditation. Meditating contributes to the reduction of stress hormones, relaxation of the nervous system, cognitive alertness, lowering inflammation and improving overall health. It also contributes to emotional regulation and the development of self-awareness. To help those in a significant relationship achieve this, my husband, Dr. David McKeon and I, have produced a set of meditations. These meditations may be downloaded for free from any of the music streaming platform like Spotify, Pandora, and Apple Music. To access these meditations type in Thriving in Relationship: 21-Day Meditations for Couples. Beginning meditators can find many helpful guided meditations on YouTube.
In closing, the most powerful and transformative experience anyone can have in life is the experience of an emotionally safe, committed, healing relationship. Such a relationship is a priceless gift. It is available to any couple committed to consciously growing their relationship. Thriving relationships sprout in environments characterized by zero negativity, kindness, gratitude, love, ownership of feelings, and communication skills that connect rather than divide.
Let the powerful words of the beloved Congressman John R. Lewis be your guide, “… walk with the wind … and let the spirit of peace and the power of everlasting love be your guide.”
About the author: Dr. Margie McKeon practiced as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 40 years in Rockwall, Tx along with her husband, Dr. David McKeon. Currently, the McKeons reside in Houston, TX. Dr. McKeon earned her doctoral degree in Counseling with an emphasis in Marriage and Family therapy from Texas A&M University, Commerce, TX. The McKeons assisted countless coupes to transform their relationships by conducting the ‘Getting The Love You Want” workshops which they presented for 22 years. Dr. Margie McKeon is author of the book, “Love Is All There Is,” a compilation of inspiring quotes.
www.daveandmargie.com.
Relationship is arguably the most important task we have in life. How we relate to each other, how we give and receive love, and the quality of that love impacts every area in our lives. The skills and knowledge we bring into our relationships determine our ability to connect, to heal, to thrive, to develop self-esteem and to contribute to the well-being of those around us. When two people enter into a relationship they are faced with the choice of living out the relationship unconsciously (and often re-wounding each other) or making a conscious and intentional choice to contribute to the healing of each other and to growing the relationship. If you are interested in experiencing a conscious, loving relationship, the steps that follow are for you.
This article resulted from a visit to a doctor’s office when a staff member discovered I was a marriage and family therapist. This piqued her interest and she promptly inquired, “What is the secret of a good relationship? Do you have any tips?” After 40 years in the business of helping couples heal and grow in their relationships, I responded, “Yes, I do.”
As I started to enumerate some of what I had learned personally and professionally over the years, the staff member said, “Wait, wait. I want to write all this down.” As she was carefully recording my comments, the wonderful doctor in charge glanced in through the door in search of his valuable employee. The staff member met the doctor’s gaze and realized that she was lingering a little too long. She was needed elsewhere. Given how busy the office was, our conversation had to remain unfinished. I was inspired to go home and write down my thoughts.
Subsequently, this article was born. Based on years of professional and personal experience as well as current research, here are 12 steps to use as guides. If two people are open to grow and willing to plant their feet and do their work, these steps will assist them in creating the relationship of their dreams.
1)EMOTIONAL SAFETY
First and foremost, diligently focus on creating an emotionally safe environment for the relationship to grow. Emotional safety enables you to truly be your authentic self and to show up in a relationship. Otherwise you live, for the most part, in a survival mode, never free to be yourself. What I have observed is that when a partner feels emotionally safe, the best version of that person shows up. When the safety isn’t there, this caring, loving person can quickly turn into the “wicked witch of the west” or an “angry ogre.” In addition, emotional safety has a profound impact on our nervous systems which in turn contributes to our over-all health and wellness. Providing and maintaining an emotionally safe environment is so important for optimal wellness that the renowned neurologist, Dr. Stephen Porges, states that emotional safety is “our biological imperative.” Emotional safety is not optional. It is a necessity! The tips that follow all contribute to increasing emotional safety in a relationship.
2) SELF– LOVE
Developing a healthy self-love is critical for two reasons. First, it is well-known that our capacity to love others and for others to love us is directly related to our capacity to love ourselves. Secondly, when an individual is filled with self-loathing, shame, feelings of anger, self-rejection, toxic self-criticism, feeling not good enough, these negative feelings get projected onto the partner, and the partner is held responsible for the way the projector feels. When we blame our partners for the way we feel, we often criticize and attack them until we unconsciously get them to respond to us the way we are feeling about ourselves. In the wise words of the poet Rumi, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you have built up against it.”
3) DELETE NEGATIVITY
When requesting something of your partner, eliminate all negativity in the sent message to assure you are maintaining connection. For example, negativity or ‘wrongness’ is implied when you say, “You never think to take out the garbage.” Such a message communicates to the partner that he or she is “deficient” and “not good enough” and may trigger feelings of shame. On the other hand, the partner may feel encouraged hearing the message, “Something I really appreciate, is when you remember to take out the garbage. It makes my day!” Criticism and critical judgments can be toxic to a relationship. Criticism is often used to control, or let the partner know how “right” you are and how “wrong” the partner is. Learn the skill of giving feedback without criticizing, demeaning or judging the other person. Notice how quickly transformation takes place in relationship when you adopt the message of Jon Kabat-Zen, “Write yourself a restraining order against self-criticism and criticism of others.” Supporting this concept, relationship experts, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, maintain that zero negativity is required for optimal wellness in a relationship.
The wisdom teachers tell us, “Your tormentors are your teachers.” A leap in personal growth takes place when we realize the people who annoy us most are just pointing an arrow to where we most need to grow.
4) GRATITUDE/APPRECIATION
Research shows that expressing gratitude and appreciation is one of the fastest ways to transform a relationship and bring it to a new level. Express appreciation and gratitude every day to your loved ones and those who are significant in your life. Make it a habit and watch the energy change in the relationship. Not only does it stimulate positive chemicals in the brain of the receiver but also in the brain of the giver. Gratitude, according Brother David Steindl-Rast, “…can change the world immensely. If you are grateful, you are not fearful, if you are not fearful, you are not violent, and you act out of a sense of enough…and are willing to share.”
5) CHOOSE YOUR WORDS AND TONE OF VOICE
The words you use and the tone of your voice are some of the most powerful connectors on the planet, but they’re also powerful disconnectors. Your words, as well as your tone of voice, have the power to foster connection, inspire, encourage, uplift and validate. They can also extinguish a mountain of joy, destroy through toxic criticism, diminish hope, and leave others feeling shamed, blamed, and not good enough. Your words have the power to breathe life into someone or take someone’s light away. Transformation occurs when each partner takes responsibility for the energy put into the relationship space.
6) DIALOGUE
Communication can make or break a relationship. Problems in communicating is a core issue in every struggling relationship. Taking time to develop good communication skills is necessary for journeying on the path to a quality relationship. Three communication skills that foster connection within a relationship are mirroring, validation and empathy. These skills enable us to speak without blame and listen without judgment. Paul Tillich tells us the first duty of love is to listen. For example: your partner says, “I want to take off for a long vacation.” Imagine if the response to your partner sounded like this, “Just forget it. We don’t have that kind of money.” This dampens the partner’s desires and the partner feels unheard, devalued and discounted.
A more affirming and connecting way to respond is to replace judgement with curiosity and use mirroring, validation and empathy. To MIRROR (reflecting back): you might say, “So you have a desire to travel and take a long vacation. Tell me about that.” To VALIDATE: (Validation doesn’t mean you agree, but that you understand why the person thinks and feels the way they do, given their circumstances.). You could say, “It makes sense that you would like a vacation.” To EMPATHIZE (acknowledging the feelings): you could say “When you think of taking a vacation like that, I image you get excited and feel energized. Did I get that right?” For further information on communication skills, see: SafeConversations.com. For further demonstrations and explanation on how to use this skill go to YouTube and search for “The Heart of Dialogue” featuring Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. There are plans to follow up this video with an interactive AI version to teach effective dialogue.
7) BOUNDARIES
Good boundaries are important for any relationship. To help you understand boundaries, imagine you and your partner each standing in a hula hoop. Each of you is an authority in your own respective space. Problems occur when either one of you acts like an authority in the space of the other. This is considered a boundary violation. Intrusion occurs on the space of the other with statements like: “You need to change your hair style.” “You won’t be able to do that.” “You need to tell your boss…” “I want you to get a new job.” “You never like what I do.” To avoid boundary violations, offer suggestions tentatively and ask for feedback. “How would you feel about that?”
8) OWNERSHIP OF FEELINGS
Whenever conflict is going on in a relationship, you can expect to see one person “projecting” their feelings and the other person “personalizing” them. In the Projecting-Personalizing Dance, the Projectors do not take ownership for their feelings , and Personalizers take on feelings that don’t belong to them. If this pattern is not changed, it is a frequent destroyer of potentially good relationships. The Projector often resorts to anger, aggression, and a need to be right. When this happens, the feelings that come up in the projector’s “well” are not owned, rather they are “missiled” over to the partner. Projected remarks sound like, “You made me feel unimportant.” “You make me so angry.” “I had that accident because of you.”
In reality, all the sender can ever do is trigger, or bring up, the feelings that are already in the partner’s “well.” The sender does not cause them. The feelings such as unimportance, shame, guilt, inferiority or rejection have to already be present in the receiver’s (personalizer’s) “well” otherwise these feelings would never come up. Think of a bullet without powder in it. No matter how often you pull the trigger, the bullet will not fire if it does not have powder.
To break the habit of projection in relationship, it is very helpful to start conversations with, “I know these feelings are more about me than you, but it would really help me if I could process them with you.” Notice the different response you get from your partner when you take ownership for your feelings. The person you are conversing with will relax and listen because they know you are not going to dump what is yours onto them.
The Personalizer, on the other hand, often feels hurt or rejected, demeaned or not good enough. This happens because Personalizers take the feelings or comments projected on to them, and make the remarks say something about them which they do not. Oftentimes, relationship boundaries were never modeled or taught to Personalizers (or Projectors), consequently the feelings of pain, hurt and rejection are frequent companions. In healthy functioning relationships, it is understood that feelings always say more about the person having the feeling. Personalizers take in what is not theirs to own.
Personalizing is often present when a partner says. “If my spouse loved me, they wouldn’t say that.” Or “If my spouse loved me, they wouldn’t do that.” But frequently, this is not the case. The unacceptable words or behaviors are more often due to past conditioned patterns of communicating, lack of self-love and unconscious behavior. These patterns do not necessarily connote a lack of love for the partner. More likely, it indicates a lack of self-love or the presence of self-loathing in the sender.
Remember, you do not need a perfect partner, only a partner open to growth. The task of a conscious relationship is to assist each other to grow and heal from the unmet needs of childhood that each of us brings into our relationships. These unmet needs stem from either neglect or intrusion during childhood. The child experienced caretakers as either not available, not there, or there too much, over-controlling, or over-bonding. As a result we are constantly striving to get these unmet needs met. Healing and growth of the partner take place when we provide a listening presence with compassion and we use positive language to ask for what we need and respect the feedback given. This creates an emotional safe environment necessary to heal unmet needs of childhood. The exchange goes much better when we begin the dialogue with the sentence referenced above, “I know these feelings are more about me than you…” Then, let your partner know what words or behavior you would appreciate that would help you feel more emotionally safe.
Some years ago, I encountered a young woman who was feeling hurt and was in deep pain because she discovered that her husband had been acting out his sexual addiction for years. Subsequently, she spent a few weeks at a well-known treatment center to help her cope. When I met her again, some months later, she looked very different and was happy and feeling good about herself. When I inquired about the transformation, her response was that she had developed a new awareness, namely, that his behaviors were not about her, and they did not reflect who she was as a person. Once she stopped personalizing his “stuff,” she became her beautiful self once again.
9) LAUGHTER
Well-functioning relationships are joyous, fun-filled and light. Laughter relaxes your whole body, boosts your immune system, triggers the release of endorphins, protects your heart, diffuses conflict and attracts others to you and much more. In your relationship, try to consciously engage in behaviors that increase humor and laughter. Play a game of Scattergories, share some jokes from online, tap into a laughing yoga class, watch a funny movie, or just stand and face each other and have a good belly laugh. This will ensure some lightness in the relationship.
10) BE INTENTIONAL
The brilliant cell biologist, Dr. Bruce Lipton, teaches us how powerful thoughts are and that our perceptions create our reality. So what we think and what we feel may either improve the immune system or diminishing it. It is well known that all chronic diseases begin with inflammation. If you want to foster optimal wellness don’t inflame yourself. This renowned researcher encourages us to be much more conscious of what we put into our bodies and the impact this has on our health and relationships. When you worry, you are energizing what you don’t want in your life. Consciously energizing and being intentional about what you do want in your life and in your relationship make a profound difference in the outcome. For a deeper understanding of the power of intentions, thoughts and beliefs, listen to Dr Lipton’s life-changing talk on YouTube, “What You Think You Become.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiBDm7Za-2U or read his book, “Beyond Belief.” Create your own story. Choose love over fear.
11) FORGIVENESS: Forgiveness is never about condoning the words, actions or behaviors of the oppressor, abuser or offender. Forgiveness is about activating your internal power. It is about taking back the power another has tried to take from you and nurturing a healthy self-love. Love is your essence. If you awaken this aspect of yourself, no one can take it from you. Forgiveness is about making a firm determination not to carry the “stuff” of the oppressor, abuser or offender in your body. You rid your cells of any shame, guilt, self-rejection or displaced anger that may have been projected on to you. It doesn’t belong to you. The goal is to be your authentic self, releasing from your body all negative debris that could damage your health. When Nelson Mandela was asked if he hated those who made him a prisoner for 26 of the best years of his life, his response was, “…if you hate them…you will still be their prisoner. I wanted to be free, so I let go.” Forgiveness sets me free.
12) MEDITATION
Meditation has become more popular in all walks of life and is universally recommended. The practice of meditation has been associated with such names as Oprah, Hug Jackson, Paul McCarthy, the investor Ray Dalio, the cardiologist and researcher Dr. Issac Eliaz, and so many others. Some of the busiest people like Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Deepak Chopra make it a priority to start their days with two hours of meditation. One of the best ways to create more peace, joy and harmony in a relationship is to engage in the practice of meditation. Meditating contributes to the reduction of stress hormones, relaxation of the nervous system, cognitive alertness, lowering inflammation and improving overall health. It also contributes to emotional regulation and the development of self-awareness. To help those in a significant relationship achieve this, my husband, Dr. David McKeon and I, have produced a set of meditations. These meditations may be downloaded for free from any of the music streaming platform like Spotify, Pandora, and Apple Music. To access these meditations type in Thriving in Relationship: 21-Day Meditations for Couples. Beginning meditators can find many helpful guided meditations on YouTube.
In closing, the most powerful and transformative experience anyone can have in life is the experience of an emotionally safe, committed, healing relationship. Such a relationship is a priceless gift. It is available to any couple committed to consciously growing their relationship. Thriving relationships sprout in environments characterized by zero negativity, kindness, gratitude, love, ownership of feelings, and communication skills that connect rather than divide.
Let the powerful words of the beloved Congressman John R. Lewis be your guide, “… walk with the wind … and let the spirit of peace and the power of everlasting love be your guide.”
About the author: Dr. Margie McKeon practiced as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 40 years in Rockwall, Tx along with her husband, Dr. David McKeon. Currently, the McKeons reside in Houston, TX. Dr. McKeon earned her doctoral degree in Counseling with an emphasis in Marriage and Family therapy from Texas A&M University, Commerce, TX. The McKeons assisted countless coupes to transform their relationships by conducting the ‘Getting The Love You Want” workshops which they presented for 22 years. Dr. Margie McKeon is author of the book, “Love Is All There Is,” a compilation of inspiring quotes.
www.daveandmargie.com.